So I did something incredibly thoughtless and stupid earlier today. I posted something here on Tumblr about Facebook that used some images and names that I hadn’t asked permission to use. A friend pointed out that one person in particular might not be happy about it. So I took it down. (If you’re…
Go ahead, son; walk it off because… Congratulations! You’ve just won the RtHiaHB Dumbass of the Day Award. What do you win? Nothing, and you’ll like it.
So I did something incredibly thoughtless and stupid earlier today. I posted something here on Tumblr about Facebook that used some images and names that I hadn’t asked permission to use. A friend pointed out that one person in particular might not be happy about it. So I took it down. (If you’re looking for it, that’s what happened to it). I really regret it.
What is bad is that I go through this Guilt Spiral when I do something this stupid: self-doubt, self-recrimination, and self-flagellation. This is serious stuff, and sometimes when I get like this, I look into anything to relieve the guilt. It’s like it starts in my chest, and feels like a gas bubble sitting in that spot where my throat meets my sternum.
This is why my life is in the mess it’s in. Most people, they feel a little guilt and move on with their lives. Not me: my guilt destroys everything good in my life. It paralyzes me so that I can’t take action while my world is crumbling around me.
I was watching “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Pinsky” a couple of months ago. A guy on there said that success for an addict is just as slippery a slope as failure. He then went on to say that it’s mostly because of guilt they feel about their successes, and they drink and do drugs to alleviate their pain (this is the gist of what was said, I don’t remember it word-for-word). I found myself identifying with this statement.
It’s like this: I do something stupid, thoughtless, or unethical. The Guilt Spiral begins. I begin to feel absolutely fucking horrible. The event replays in my head over and over, reliving it, except this time I’m punishing myself for what I did. This is Phase One.
Phase Two: I have to do something to get my mind off the event, or I will go fucking insane. So I play video games, surf the internet, watch TV, masturbate, eat; whatever it takes to get my mind off the event (this time, I’m trying to write about it to give it expression, and hopefully make it go away and leave me the fuck alone). Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work: if the task is mindless enough (video games are like this for me), my mind still replays the event over and over, punishing me. Also, I’m usually doing these things when I should be doing something else. This is how bills don’t get paid, how I lost my car, how I’ve moved six times in the last eleven years (that’s me: Tom the Nomad).
There have been times with this Spiral that have gotten so deep, so full of self-hatred, that I’ve actually contemplated suicide as a form of corporal punishment.
Then, we move into Phase Three of the Guilt Spiral: panic. The suicidal thoughts will scare the crap out of me, and I’ll fall into this panic. Phase Three has only happened to me one time: Memorial’s Day 2009 (the anniversary of which is coming up, believe it or not). I almost checked myself into a hospital that night.
I’ll be fine. I have experience dealing with this. I’m going to therapy, and this will give us something real and immediate to talk about.
A few notes: This topic was suggested by ridingtohellinahandbasket, who asked for “a treatise on the exploration of philosophy and ethics in Doctor Who and the show’s impact on Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Literature”. The result is the humble offering below. No one article can do justice to…
I’m willing to do nearly anything short of pay for it (I have no money, anyway) for some lovin’.
And here’s the funny/sad thing: I’m not talking about sex; I’m talking about companionship; devotion; touch; tender, gentle kisses on the neck; spooning… y’know, the real ideals of romantic love. I’m also talking about a co-conspirator, an advocate, and my family. Hoes and bitches need not apply.
I’m just so tired of being alone.
I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life I know you’ll be the sun In somebody else’s sky But why, why, why Can’t it be mine?
So, I have a morning ritual which I go through every morning that I call “gathering lint.”
I don’t know how it is for everyone else, but first thing in the morning I’m not at my best—my brain is sluggish and slow, and gets off to a slow start in the morning. Yeah, no doing field equations in my head first thing in the morning.
So I have to do something mindless first thing in the morning: watch cartoons, read funnies, etc. I can’t do anything productive the first hour and a half that I’m awake.
Coffee is a non-suggestion. My doctor has warned me about drinking caffeinated beverages, so that is out (yeah, something about my having a blood pressure of 180/136 while in her office one day made her nervous… whats the matter, doctor? Don’t like living life on the edge?).
If I don’t do this, I become so cranky that friendships and the permanent status of my employment are tested.
I’m not sure where the phrase “gathering lint” came from, but it popped in my head one day when I tried to think of a phrase that meant “fuck around when you first wake up in the morning in order to become fully awake.” It seemed apropos, so it stuck.
Short, sweet… put a backbeat to that, put it on some vinyl, and you got yourself a hit record!
Yes, that is exactly why I keep coming back here. After posting that question, I have been giving it some thought, myself.
It’s more than just the people, though that certainly is a large portion to it. To me, it’s the self-expression that goes on in these pages that has me coming back. One of my favorite Tumblrers, ruthakers, writes very personal, painful stuff on her Tumblr. She reveals a person who is funny, smart, lonely, and bubbling over with self-hatred. She spoke (if briefly) of a suicide attempt (though, the details are kind of fuzzy in my mind: was it recent, or something that happened in her past?), and spoke about how she would never forgive herself for what she put her children through.
This is what keeps me coming back: Real life. This is what Tumblr is good at that nobody else has caught on to yet: providing a vehicle of self-expression that is relatively easy to use with very few limitations (seriously: the Content Policy is only about six paragraphs long).
Facebook has become so overcrowded the last couple of years with advertisements, games that I couldn’t care less about, pages of celebrities that I liked about six or seven years ago, now can’t stand the sight of some of them. My actual friends and family get lost in the wash of this constant stream of crap that comes over Facebook of late. And they don’t make it easy to filter out the “celebrity Pages” from the Status Updates, Photos, and Videos that my friends post.
Also, Tumblr doesn’t have a post-length limit, which is good news for me. :)
I’m getting tired of feeling like I’m the only one who cares;
I’m getting tired of being the good “friend” and “big brother” but not a good “romantic partner,” “fuck buddy,” or even “friend with benefits”;
It’s sad/frustrating when the guy on the third shift who can barely tie his own shoes without management assistance gets more sex than I do;
My sex life is a barren wasteland where Joshua trees won’t even grow;
I get sad when someone I know IRL unfollows me on Twitter or unfriends me on Facebook, and every time I see them after that I want to scream, “Why did you unfriend me?!” and weep uncontrollably;
This truthful Tuesday thing is harder than it looks;
I spend large portions of my workday day-dreaming, because there is literally no challenge in my job to me at all—I can usually get the administrative parts of my job done in the first couple of hours, and I spend the rest of the day being essentially an under-paid babysitter to seventeen grown men.
And it’s the same look I always get when I stay downstairs later than I should (uh, 10:30PM is late. Wow. It’s official. I’m an old person!) Everyone else is going up to bed - why am I still downstairs? He doesn’t get it. So he comes down, stares at me, lays his head on the keyboard of my laptop,…
It could be a little bit of both. Dogs are social animals that have come to accept us humans as part of their pack.
Dogs are incredible animals. They are so simple in many ways. Yet, we are also learning that in some ways, they are smarter than we’d been giving them credit. A gesture from a human holds just as much meaning to a dog as a human, while a chimpanzee (our closest relative on the evolutionary family tree) would miss the significance of it. They also have the capability of reading emotional cues from our faces.
There is nothing like coming home from a long day at work, and being greeted at the door with love and kisses by a dog. Cats don’t do that, that I’m aware of. A dog will follow instruction if handled well, while a cat will just stare at you as if you were insane. A dog is eager to please you.
Not that anybody asked me about it. I just noticed that one of the people I follow (I can’t remember who it was) said that anonymous ask was turned on. I didn’t even know that I could set that ahead of time. I’m still new to Tumblr, and I’m figuring things out as I go along. In fact, this is the most active I’ve ever been on a blog in my life, so I have a lot to learn.
So, in short (or maybe not so short), Anonymous Ask is fixed.
I hardly ever watch network television… podcasts have almost replaced it for me.
I watch a couple of podcasts, but I watch enough network television where it could be troublesome. Getting episodes of some of my shows (Leverage, Burn Notice, Doctor Who, and a couple of others) might not be a problem (Leverage and Doctor Who are available on iTunes, for example). Some others, I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to get them. I’m pretty sure that even paying for the shows I want to watch, it’s gotta be cheaper than paying $80/month for a cable box. That’s $960/yr I can spend on other things, like a car.
I have decided that in order to test my theory about Cablevision (that I can get all the shows I want to watch through a mixture of iTunes, Hulu, YouTube, and other sources) I’m not going to turn on my cable box for one month. If I can go one month without it, I’m going to tell Cablevision what they can do with their box.
This will, I suspect, save me upwards of $40-50 a month on my cable bills.
For those of you following this blog, I have to kinda go into a tangent here a little bit and talk about my favorite all-time professional wrestler, Triple H. This all ties in with the theme of my whole Life Change that I’m going through, so I’ll get back to that toward the end once I explain the context of the whole thing. So, if you’re not interested in reading a tl;dr rant about muscle-bound men in tights pretending to beat each other up, don’t read anything after the cut.
Since my ass-backwards cable company (Cablevision) doesn’t carry BBC America, I am forced to buy Doctor Who on iTunes. Neil Gaiman’s been talking up a storm about this ep on Twitter and Facebook. Everyone has been talking about it, as the best episode so far this season, so it was a must see for me.
And you don’t know how tempted I am to tell Cablevision how far up their ass they can shove their cable box that costs me $60-70 a month. I’m just now figuring out that with how much television I really watch, it’s much cheaper to return the box, and pay for Season Passes for everything I do watch on iTunes.
It makes me wonder how long it will take for everyone to realize this and do the same thing.
Dammit, we’ve just cured cancah! Why is no one listening?
Last week, researchers at the University of Alberta in Edmonton cured cancer, but I bet you haven’t heard about it. Despite what might be a solid way to treat a wide variety of cancer with no side effects, the…
This is too important not to reblog… Pay attention.
I know this is a couple of years old… but I could not be more in love with Natalie Portman right now if she were naked in my bed saying, “C’mon, Tom, turn off the computer and come play with me.” She just makes me weak at the knees.
Excuse me while I take a very cold shower. In fact, I may need several. <3